Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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