Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
...so i touched it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Randomize
