Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
