saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
