you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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