I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
