Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
