GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
