my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
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Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
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Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches