Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.