haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize