I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
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I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.