This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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