apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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