Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
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i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
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I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.