Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
