I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
