I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
