Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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