I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
