He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
