I need to stop coming to work sober
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
