I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
