bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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