I am in a vortex of obligation.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
