Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
