Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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