yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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