i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I have post one night stand depression
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