There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize