Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
