Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
