Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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