I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
