Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
