so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
