the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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