I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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