If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
