Sober January is a disaster.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
