i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
