lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
