4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
