Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
