I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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