every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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