I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm really into asian looking animals
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
