the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
