All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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