Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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