Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
