I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
