shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i think i just lost a toe
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
