this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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