What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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