he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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