So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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