I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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