The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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