I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
