I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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