I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
