i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
