I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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