1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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